Sunday, April 1, 2012

A Modest Proposal

By -  Judy Sherrard

For decades, our nation has fought bitterly over whether abortion should be illegal or criminalized. Certain politicians now are actually wringing their hands over the ethics of contraception. Rather than expect people to go against human nature and only copulate when they want children, I propose a better solution. And my antidote to all of these problems is probably already within our reach technologically.

Why not infuse the public water supply with birth control? Surely, if we put our best minds on it, we could come up with a side-effect-free formulation that rendered the population sterile unless they took an antidote. In my plan, this antidote (also side-effect-free) would cost nothing and be available in every store in the country, sitting in little baskets next to cash registers. Want a baby? Grab a handful of the blister-packed pills the next time you’re getting a Starbucks or a gallon of milk.

The catch is that the antidote would have to be taken much the same way as traditional birth control pills are now: three weeks on the pill, one week off. And the other catch, and this is a big one, both male and female have to take the antidote. After six months of the antidote, your fertility returns to normal and you can proceed with the baby-making. All this program demands is a bit of planning and engineering.

Put my plan into effect and no one is denied the right to have children except those who are unable to follow the antidote regime and I’d argue that if you are intellectually unable to do that, you probably are not mentally ready to handle a baby. Is your life too disorganized to accommodate the antidote? Then you’re probably too disorganized to have a baby right now.

I confess that the idea of engineering the antidote to be a bit challenging occurred to me after listening to teen-agers discuss how to correctly take the birth control pill and under what circumstances people got pregnant. Their mind-boggling combination of ignorance and inexperience made my ears spin on my skull. I never want these kids to be entrusted with little baby versions of themselves until they mature about 20 more years. But I digress….

Think about all of the problems this system would solve. There would be no more unwanted children. Teen-aged pregnancies would drop to almost nil, which means tens of thousands of children would not be added to the public support rolls. A teen-ager whose life probably would grind to a miserable halt if she got pregnant would at least have a shot at a better life than the one she’d have if she had a baby, i.e., working at multiple minimum-wage jobs and collecting food stamps.

About fourteen bazillion dollars would also be saved that are now poured into saving and repairing babies born to drug-addled mothers. Also think of the relief this would bring to the people who might otherwise be saddled with the catastrophe of having to raise the grandchildren produced and abandoned by their drug-addicted children.

One of the best features of my system is that it shuts up, totally and forever, the yodeling cacophony that surrounds abortion. No one ever needs an abortion in the new world, except in medical emergencies. Everyone in the new world is pregnant because they really, really, really want a baby. And they prove that commitment by having six months to think it over carefully while they take the antidote.

I’m a miserly, pragmatic person and I love the idea of saving baskets of money, as well as saving children from being born into situations where they’re doomed before they can even get both feet out of the womb. I also love the idea of sparing teen-agers the tragedy of seeing their lives tank after one impulsive, teen-ager-ly act, i.e., sex resulting in an unplanned pregnancy. There is a lot of misery spinning around - and a lot of money burned to ameliorate that misery - which is directly attributable to unplanned, unwanted children. If turning the tables on conception, so that you have to take pills to get pregnant rather than the other way around, alleviates all of these problems, why not give it a try?


  1. Very interesting concept Judy. I think your proposal needs to include birth control drugs in beer too. I figure most liquor drinkers use ice so they're safe. Maybe Plan B laced shooters would be needed too.

  2. Interesting concept Judy. We might need to add birth control to beer too. Most liquor drinkers use ice so they're probably OK. Maybe the Plan B drug added to shooters just to be safe,

  3. Two tongue in cheek comments, 1) Although, by executive order and without further oversight, Pres Obama will unilaterally implement the contraceptive part, the FDA will take 100 years to approve the antidote. Thus the entire population will be, in 3 generations, illegal immigrants who are smart enough not to drink the water. 2) Even if by executive order the antidote were immediately available, our children are too lazy to take it, so in three generations ... well you get the idea...

    1. lol, you could be right. I just saw an article after Judy put this up that the French had developed a contraceptive for men that was 100% effective, but in my view it will never take off because of the application method. It requires an injection in "you know where" for it to take, then the antidote is another injection in "you know where". So, it's highly unlikely any guy will use this.


I've removed moderation from the comments, so you all be nice out there please. Don't get rude or profane, or I'll have to put moderation back on and I don't want to do that. Enjoy our Webzine and participate. Thanks - The Editor.